So the time has come. My first proper holiday with 'my girlfriend the tourist'. Since her return from Sri-Lanka she has been itching to get me out of the U.K. .. Without success.
In the interim, Christmas had came and passed. This was my opportunity to show my appreciation of this 'freebie' holiday, and I surpassed myself.
A Nikon COOLPIX P900 zoom lens digital camera. Rammed full of 'high spec' that I couldn't wait to play wi.. give her. The perfect gift for a pending safari.
In much the same way as my 'non-sporty' son took polite receipt of a Sri-Lankan national cricket team shirt, upon her return. She too, looked at the camera slightly unsure and confused, and put it to one side.
I later learned that girls preferred gifts that are neither practical nor necessary, but rather un-necessary and indulgent (and I'm spelling indulgence with a capital £ )
I had a lot to learn.
Before our trip however, I had a pre-arranged jaunt to Majorca for a stag do. I mentioned this to her and her brow furrowed in way that made me both aroused and concerned at the same time (of course I now fully understand the origin of this sexy little frown, and I will never mention arousal in its presence again !! - I learnt so much in my first year). With furrowed brow, "my girlfriend the tourist" asked several questions about the resort / hotel / flights etc .. One quick google search revealed to her, pictures and reviews of the "low budget" accommodation and Ryan Air flight arrangements. Her brow relaxed, a smile returned. She was happy for me to go and play with the boys, while she turned her google attention to compensatory Jimmy Choo browsing. I did overhear her discussing my trip with one of her girlfriends. She spoke in the hushed tones of school girl playground secrets, but I definitely heard the words "plastic cups" and "paper napkins".
For the benefit of the reader I should remind you that, at this particular time, I was a young man in my mid forties. Not far from the average age of most of the other "stag" (that's not a Typo, the "s" fell off as the term has been assembled so losely).
Some of them were keen cyclist and eager to take advantage of an early season ride out in a warm climate. I have never before seen Lycra so abused. Nor tight. So dreadfully tight !
Nevertheless, we were set on harming the reputation of "Brits Abroad".
At 7pm on our first night at the hotel bar, we were already chastised .. "keep the noise down, please" ... by the considerably younger than us, Bingo caller, who had noticed the disdain in his audience.
With this badge of honour firmly attached, I wander to the gents with Chris. Chris is ex-forces, Chris is well travelled and a man of the world. Whilst firmly positioned at our urinals, Chris broke the silence with the obligatory "off anywhere else this year ?".
I told him of my impending trip to Kenya. I could tell he was impressed. I felt like a proper traveller.
"Are you doing a safari ?" he asked.
Delighted, I told him of our independent booking through JT Safari's. Tsavo East - private vehicle - luxury cabin.
"Excellent" he replied "you have to be some kind of c*nt to travel to Africa and not go on safari".
I later shared this resounding endorsement with "my girlfriend the tourist". She seemed genuinely delighted.
On our return to the bar, I was still glowing from learning that I am a REAL traveller, and not some kind of unmentionable.
I noticed that there appeared to be a Bingo winner, receiving some praise.
"GET 'EM OFF" shouted Chris amongst the buzzing throng.
It quickly came to light that Chris had just asked 9 year old Emily to "get them off" !
We left .... quickly
The endorsement still counts.
The stag trip was my last before my transformation, or the birth of "My wife the tourist". Therefore should remain...... Pre Blog ..
But for the curious, here is a brief synopsis
We discovered an otherwise empty Bar
The groom was dressed entirely in ill fitting Lycra cycling attire, save for some sensible footwear (we're not animals)
Rob blew the dust off the Karaoke and smashed "we're going to a Gay baaar .. Gay baaaaar"
We drank some green shit, memories were lost
Some cycling was undertaken - no records were broken
On route to the airport, we spent 30 Euro's each on a tour which we later found out, wasn't actually the Caves of Drach
We passed Emily's lawyers at Palma airport
And so to Kenya ... Well almost...
"...The 2010 eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull were volcanic events at Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland which, although relatively small for volcanic eruptions, caused enormous disruption to air travel across western and northern Europe over an initial period of six days in April 2010. Additional localised disruption continued into May 2010. The eruption was declared officially over in October 2010, when snow on the glacier did not melt. From 14–20 April, ash from the volcanic eruption covered large areas of Northern Europe. About 20 countries closed their airspace to commercial jet traffic and it affected approximately 10 million travellers.[1]..."
Well what were the chances of that ..... roughly 690 million to 1 as it happens.
The Voyager Resort .. North Coast of Africa
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